Letters To My Daughter: How To Understand Gratitude
Back in 2020, for the first time in human history, the entire world was focused on a singular problem.
Although at the time of this writing I cannot tell you whether we solved the problem -or even how long it took -I can tell you that our collective realties suddenly changed, and the world began to feel even smaller than the internet had made it seem. As I’m sure I have explained, we essentially shut everything down. All of it. Just about everything save for hospitals, Wal-Mart’s, and big box grocery-chains. We weren’t without power, food, or any other essentials. Healthcare systems were overwhelmed, but widely operational ; people really freaked out about toilet paper for some reason, but there was plenty of peanut butter. The point is — if you were not ill, _you were pretty happy_.
Much comes to light when one finds oneself in turmoil. People expose themselves in times of uncertainty, the veneers are shed when suddenly a facade seems pointless in the grand scheme. We began to refer to doctors and front-line healthcare workers as “heroes” for their tremendous resolve and fearlessness. We did this because these people, against a backdrop of upheaval and chaos, tirelessly soldiered on. A hero can only be born in the face of catastrophe. There will never will be any heroes on Twitter.
What rises to the forefront during a pandemic are not just heroes, but renewed perspective. It felt easier to appreciate what we had; food on the table, technology that was mature enough to keep some (but sadly not many) businesses alive, and we ordered a Peloton bike because mom really wanted me to stop running outside. We truly felt a heightened level of gratitude for all the things we have had for years. I vowed to never take regular season baseball for granted ever again.
It is not hard to understand why we feel a greater sense of gratitude in times of uncertainty. What is perplexing, is why is it so difficult to feel genuine gratitude every other day; when gyms are open and the Mets are playing the Padres in mid-July. It is not even difficult to internalize the value of gratitude. Surely, if you were sincerely gracious for what you had, you would be immeasurably happy. I hope you keep a daily journal, and make a habit of writing, every day, something you are grateful for. I began this practice a little over a year ago. While it did help me feel more grateful, I cannot say I walked around every day feeling particularly grateful. Why? Why the mental/emotional disconnect?
I have several theories.
First, let’s step back for a moment and attempt to define what gratitude is. Most people have an instinctive understanding of what gratitude is, but it can be surprisingly difficult to define. Is it an emotion? A virtue? A behavior? Indeed, gratitude can mean different things to different people in different contexts. For the sake of this piece over the next few paragraphs, let’s define gratitude as a virtue.
The first reason why gratitude is easy to mentally cultivate but difficult to emotionally internalize over a sustained period, is because we are deeply conditioned to filter for what we do not have, rather than what we do. Social media has paved the path for genius marketing tactics to bombard us constantly. Companies aim to make us feel less-than, without the new shiny object, and we are sheep to slaughter. Trust me, I am as guilty of this as anybody. We will discuss planned obsolescence another day ; but for now, just remember: Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
And so, despite everything we are blessed with, we yearn for the next great thing. It is simply difficult to remain grateful for what you do have, when you have been primed to focus on what you do not.
It is for this reason, that I will do my very best to spend a disproportionate amount of energy highlighting what you do well, over what you struggle with. (Provided, of course, the struggle is not part of a greater lesson you will be much better off learning at a younger age). Perhaps, if your mother and I applaud enough, you will understand that everyone is bad at most things, and winners double down on what they do well.
Secondly, because we lose sight of what is important. Without an evocation of to what or to whom owe gratitude, we forget of the virtue entirely. This is precisely why we maintain a gratitude exercise so that we may remember, and center ourselves once more.
Maybe, then, gratitude boils down to properly setting our dials, and maintaining its position on our motherboard. So, what matters?
Only few things.
What matters most is the relationship you maintain with yourself. You must be your own true north. Do not sacrifice who you want to be, or even who you are, for anything, ever. Spend time with yourself, continuously search for your truth. If you can do this, you will spend much less time focusing on others- which will only diminish your gratitude batteries.
Build, meditate, write, run, and sell.
Read, reflect, love, seek truth, and always ignore society.
Gratitude will come easily if you can focus on only what really matters.
